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Patrick Hardy says
M&A, your emails and blog posts have been nothing short of amazing lately! This one is such valuable reference for anyone in a relationship of any kind. There’s actually a married couple I’ve known for well over a decade that’s in the process of divorcing because their relationship fits several of these of these behaviors to a T. It’s so sad, and yet I saw it coming.
I’ve been married for 28 years, and it’s because my wife and I work on it, and compromise, and communicate daily. It’s worth the effort–it really is! I think this blog post could be a terrific exercise to sit down with my wife and say, “Let’s talk about these behaviors. Let’s be aware of them.”
Thank you guys!
Janice says
Such a perfect summary if important reminders for me, Angel and Marc. After taking your course last year, and using the self-inquiry tools you taught me via coaching, I ended up resolving the issue of condemning my husband’s character. I was absolutely holding every one of his flawed character traits against him, and defining his entire character in my eyes by these traits that frustrated me. And everything I loved about him was just ignored. But not anymore. It’s taken me awhile to shift my thinking, but doing so has improved our relationship tremendously. I’ve learned to think and communicate more compassionately, and have healthier conversations that actually ease tension instead of creating more of it.
KC says
Excellent article – as always.
And I was actually at the live Think Better event where you recorded the video you embedded. I wish I had a recording of the entire event.
Anyway, this one has really got me thinking again about how many of those behaviors happened in my marriage, and how I also want to make sure I don’t carry them into my current relationship. I now realize it wasn’t just one of us who was toxic–it certainly wasn’t just him. We both contributed to the mess and ultimately allowed all the petty toxicity to take the place of love and listening. And it all lead to a divorce that I never wanted. It takes two to be in a relationship–good or bad. None of us are perfect. I’ve sure learned that I need to be aware of the toxic stuff I’m giving as well as the toxic stuff I’m getting. Stopping such behaviors before they begin is hard, but important.
I don’t always comment on your posts, guys, but I do read them all and I own your paperback book, and I’ve given it to friends and family as gifts. What you write is always such a blessing! Thank you, and I hope to see you at another live event sometime.
Mpho says
Thank you so much for this. I sometimes get so carried away in an argument, just because my partner did something I did not like or that hurt me. even when they try to apologize I just keep attacking and then give the silent treatment. I am hoping that keeping these points in mind will help me. I do not want to lose the love of my life.
Sam says
You are forgetting another behavior; letting outside influences interfere, whether that be your occupation, your friends, or your inlaws.
Seyi says
You are right – this is arguably the most damaging and hardest to fix.
John Jurkiewicz says
I am a clairsentient who works with other people helping them identify and build their careers. I have been doing this for 18 years and I have found that when a personal relationship is toxic it clouds all of the other aspects of ones life including their career. I get a very uneasy sense when working with someone if their energy is strained or blocked. Until they find some peace in their relationship everything else remains out of balance. Thanks for this piece. I’ve shared it with my community
Sandy says
This couldnt have come at a better time. Thank you!
My dysfunctional reaction to conflict has nearly cost me one of the most important relationships in my life. I can now see my part and choose to do something different. I appreciate your work and your generosity in offering this info through your blog.
Amy says
Thank you so much! For some of us that are yet to get married, we’re really learning a lot and these articles are preparing us to face any challenge we may encounter in the future. I sincerely appreciate it!
Jim says
Every one of the 9 apply to my marriage. Ugh, I’m miserable!
Darla says
When you are married to a toxic person or a narcissists, you are in a very tough place because you are dealing with someone who is incapable of empathy and open communication and the give n take that is necessary for a healthy relationship and a healthy you. For your own sake, figure out how you can disengage from this person. You do have the power to leave – just make sure that you can leave safely. If you can not leave safely, learn how to disengage emotionally and self soothe. Best of luck – getting yourself back is worth it.
Carl says
AMEN. Leaving cuts like 1000 razor blades, staying feels like your soul is on a meat slicer set to extra thin.
Stan says
I recently discovered I was hurting someone’s feelings when I made what I thought was just playful little jabs at them. I honestly was just joking around, and didn’t realize they took the tease seriously. I am trying to replace this behavior with building the other person up when I can.
Now that I’m aware I was hurting someone I have stopped this practice with everyone as I didn’t want to be hurting anyone’s feelings. When you’ve done this for a long period of time it really is hard to change the behavior. The odd response I’ve received from some has been, “Aren’t you going to tease me about……?”
Mary says
My deceased husband did this, but unfortunately never stopped even days before his death. Years of little hurts here and there and his comment was always…”you’re just too sensitive”
Frank says
I frequently get remarks and resonses from my wife, like:
“Oh, I NEVER do that, but YOU do it ALL THE TIME”.
I want so much to correct her….but you’re saying I should just let it be?
Marc Chernoff says
Frank, obviously there’s a grey area to any relationship situation. But generally, if there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.
For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them. It’s might sound harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them – when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are – they gradually change in the most beautiful way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.
Jacqueline says
Thank you for some excellent relationship advice. I used to call my marriage “dysfunctional” but have stopped saying that word it’s so negative and brings things down even further. I am separated from my husband now and we both did a lot of things wrong. Trust and respect go a long way but sadly that was never built into our marriage. I think one reason was fear and not being true to myself. It has taken years for me to stand up for what i believe in and be true to myself. Sometimes when we are crushed inside, we have no voice and when asked “what do i want”…questions like that floored me. But thankfully i started to respect myself first and i think that is the beginning to any healthy future relationship.
Take care.
Angie says
I am the exact same way! But now free a year and a half my husband and I were able to grow up enough and are trying to work things out . Good luck and best wishes!
Caroline Driver says
I’m guilty of the silent treatment, but only because I never learned how to say what I feel without it coming across as passive aggressive, and so I fear the conflict and aggression that I will get in return. As soon as someone shouts at me, I’m 5 years old again or 10, or 17, and I can’t think of the assertive way to say anything at all. So silence always seems the better option.
Carl says
I hear you, but if you’re done learn to express it. Otherwise it turns into resentment and that leads to a messy explosion down the road.
Ericah says
Educative. Your articles make the going get better as the tough gets going.
Becky says
The timing of this article could not be better! I was just looking for a couples counselor in my area when this email showed up in my inbox.
My partner and I have been struggling for quite some time….3 years. Your articles on How to love someone who is grieving and How to love someone who is depressed helped me immensely. I am barely hanging on right now. We have zero communication and although he has agreed to counseling in the past, I think when it comes right down to it, he is going to resist. He has been through a lot and it has changed him so much and it has damaged our relationship. I feel like I am always giving and compromising and supporting him through his challenges, yet never getting anything in return. I feel very unloved, unappreciated and unwanted.
Petronella Mwape says
You are right I felt like that also. My husband was just like your husband, and not until I asked him for divorce did he start showing love. But it’s been difficult for me to tune my mind backwards for I already told myself this is it–the end of the road. Nevertheless this article has helped me.
Becky says
Petronella, I told him last August that I was leaving. I found a nice townhouse, gave notice to our landlord and told him he needed to find somewhere to go because Our relationship was affecting my mental health. A week later, he promised he would be better, he would be more positive and he agreed go to counselling. We moved in October – to MY townhouse……the lease and all bills are in MY name. He has made minimal changes and has found every excuse to avoid counselling. I’m torn because on one hand I can’t imagine my life without him and yet I also can’t imagine living the rest of my life like THIS. Sad.
Carl says
Four years ago I married my soulmate. We divorced two months ago. She pulled each one of these behaviors out of the bag and then projected them onto me. You cannot have a relationship when the goalposts are moved several times a day. This is a great list of recommendations and it’s going in my self discovery and relationship notebook.
Patricia Shark says
Toxic is like the drink. I was always in relationships that I had no control of who I was. And when I made that change to fixing it by reading and practice your coaching I became a happy healthy person. I may not be in a relationship now but I also don’t feel I need to be in one. I am thankful for the e I get that help me find myself again. I am a good person kind and compassionate .
Petronella Mwape says
I was engaged in a relationship and developed love for this person, but suddenly this person just went quiet with out a reason. No communication. Doesn’t want to talk. Anyone have any experience with something like this?
Darla says
Marc and Angel, thank you for all of your powerful and positive messages. Your book and blogs have really helped me through a dark time. I was married to a covertly aggressive narcissist for 20 years and it was very emotionally and psychologically destructive to me. Love nurtures and evil destroys your spiritual growth. Some more relationship killers that my wuzband did. NOT LISTENING – it takes work to truly listen to another person and he just was too self-absorbed and needed to dominate the conversations. BLAMING AND SCAPEGOATING – narcissists lack the ability to be responsible for their own behavior. LACK OF VULNERABILITY – I put this one in because it was my first red flag that something wasn’t right about my ex. He couldn’t really share his feelings or have open communication because he thought that others would “use” that information against him.
Sindy says
I think Sam also has a good point. Relationships are difficult enough without having a bunch of other people involved. While they might mean well, it usually only leads to misunderstandings. I personally feel that couples also need time alone together to truly connect and be able to reveal their true selves. I’m the guilty party here for not making time for the other person and I realize now how much that probably hurt, so I know I have to try harder.
It’s also important to note here that a lot of the times, our doubts are unfounded. The complaints aren’t always about them! The key here is direct communication and real connection, not just on paper. Give it a fighting chance! And sometimes compromise and meeting each other halfway also helps!
No guilt, no blackmail, no ultimatums, just a simple request for connection…
Sindy says
I think I just realized something about our working relationships as well that I wanted to share.
I once had a supervisor I worked with at an old branch, and in anger one day I told her that I hated her. This is something I spoke about pretty early in my coaching sessions with M&A because I knew I was wrong to do that; I felt guilty almost immediately. I called her a year ago and apologized but I still feel like I need to talk about the circumstances that led up to it.
Firstly, it’s important to note that we were once friends, but then I started to withdraw because of my studies. Our relationship became strained as several derogatory and sometimes condescending comments (both ways) were made without being dealt with. The working relationship became strained to the point where no one even bothered with a cursory good morning although we sat next to each other everyday. Then my mom passed away and I was having a very difficult time dealing with it but what hurt the most was a lack of even an acknowledgement from this person. The Account Manager had offered his assistance if required but she was very silent. It hurt more than I wanted to admit.
Then came the argument where she was advising customers not to come to me, to come to her instead, this was also a blow, then the argument about sharing the responsibility of opening the cabinets in the morning and the worst one was where she used my pain against me in an argument and said that I was picking a fight with her because I have emotional issues! I couldn’t be more hurt and angry..
This is also why in spite of all bad things that are being said about me to the managers at Risk Management about my character, sexual orientation and mental and emotional health, I chose not to retaliate. But I also feel that we are now more than even so it’s time to stop now! I wish I could convey how it felt to be ridiculed in front of a particular manager in Risk Management at the supervisors launch of the banks Blue Thunder revitalization in 2015 but I don’t think I can.
I probably shouldn’t be saying this as every time I try to defend myself against her or the other Supervisor, there is retaliation which wears me down and makes me ill but I’m trying to be more confident as Angel says and letting my side of the story be heard. In order to fully understand why I was unhappy in my old branch, an honest, confidential conversation with past and existing coworkers would need to be done which of course would be very difficult.
Joanne Tom Yick says
Thank you for your inspirational and life saving emails which I receive almost every morning. I make my morning cup of tea, sit in my garden and read your posts. It is how I start my day…it is what gets me through my day. I am soon to be divorced for the second time in my 57 years. I have a better understanding of my behaviors and my husband’s that contributed to our failed marriage. I now have the strength to go through our divorce knowing that it is the better choice for me. Thank you so very much.