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dennis says
I’m in a long distance relationship with a sweet woman and my insecurities with her are so great that even a simple task turns into overdoing everything. i feel guilty that i haven’t done enough even though she says i’ve done enough. i say something to her or make promises that i try to keep and when i realize that i could have said it better it leaves me feeling stupid and beaten. when she asked me to call her when i’m not busy i did. even though i’m never busy and enjoy my alone time i felt like i had to call her more enough.my insecurities lead me into more problems that i created that i have to fix the problems that i made. its been sapping strength and causing me to have no direction of my own.i’m at the point that i don’t know where i stand with her.
vikings says
I’m on currently on a similar situation… I just want to give you an advice because i don’t want anyone to go through what i am going. I just let the insecurities escalate to the point that i thought that the best thing i could do for my boyfriend was to break up with him, so he could be with someone else. So i did it. I immidiatly regreted my decision when the day after her best friend called me saying he had missed a crucial exam at university, that he doesnt talk with anyone, doesnt eat … and it was my fault. I know he loves me and he wants to be with me but i still broke up with him because i coulndt control my insecurities…. I know have to think that he chose me for some reason and he stayed this years with me for that same reason, even though i cant see it. I just hope i can get him back… I cant sleep with the possibility of losing him and its consuming me.
So My advice: trust when he/she says he loves you and wants to be with you, dont be greedy and try to make that choice for him /her. Best of luck with your gf.
Heartfelt says
Your words are so true. Thank you. I just read this and it has spoken deeply to my heart. I hope you sorted things out
Sheila says
Thanks I needed someone like you to put sense in my head
S. S. says
I dated this great guy for 5 years, accidentally got pregnant and our parents thought it best for us to be married, and now we’ve been married for 3 years. He has tried to cheat on me numerous times and for 6 years our relationship worked so well because I feel I have been so forgiving because I loved him so much. I say try because the girls he’s tried to sleep with have refused to have sex.
He left the country to work for two months for his father’s business while I studied at uni and lived with his kind mom, brothers, sisters and newborn baby. I found out later that he had tried to take this one woman he met while out of the country, on dates. After that, I was fed up – I was just trying to adjust to our new life and my new husband could not leave old habits behind.
I think I also had some post partum depression or whatever but for a while I was very insecure and felt he was never satisfied with me. I have done much better these past two years but I find it hard to spend alone time with him and I am not comfortable having sex. I’m not comfortable going out with him because I see he checks people out.
Linda says
I’m in a relationship with a good partner that makes me happy… Problem is that his past always resurfaces and I feel like he does nothing to bury the past or the people in his past… I have to understand things that make me uncomfortable all the time and if I don’t I’m the one who is in the wrong or who suffers from insecurities
JayBee says
Our past does a great deal to form our present. We wouldn’t be who we are without it. That said, people and experiences from our past sometimes need to stay in the past. If your partner is beating you up with his past that’s something that may be unhealthy. Your last sentence implies he does not listen to you or regard your feelings as maybe he should. I encourage you to do some soul searching of yourself. Are there things in your past that are interfering in your present relationship, making you uncomfortable with his past? Does he mistreat you or otherwise not respect you or your feelings? You are precious and worthy of respect and love.
Bukola says
This is similar to my story. I believe my partner loves me as he says, but he does nothing to hide his past or really put it behind him. I’m glad he talks to me about it, but sometimes it hurt especially when his exes resurfaces. I have trust issues and I am pretty insecure. Each time I allow myself to trust him, he always gives me a reason to question that decision. I just want to love n be loved without worrying about unnecessary things or the girl that said she love-hate him. He has too much admirer than I can handle, too many girls willing to do anything to sleep with him. I don’t know if my fear is unfounded, but my instinct is screaming NO.
Mia says
I’m in the same boat. My partner cheated on me and (fault #1) I chose to stay although I was deeply hurt. I guess (fault #2) I had these crazy expectations that she would be remorseful and do everything in her power to work on the trust I had now lost in her. That didn’t happen and now 6 years later we’re still together but that big elephant (that apparently only I can see) is still in the room reminding me of the cheating and the lies and the half-ass apologies that came full circle and ultimately made it my fault that she cheated. Did I mention she rarely tells me she loves me and as of today, I’ve only received 3 complments this year!
Sammie says
My husband is loving. Caring. And does everything for me. But his lies are getting in the way. He says he’s not lying but I know when he is and it’s driving me mad. I found two receipts for two separate meals in his wallet and they’re not a meal he took me on. And he’s denying even knowing where they come from. I’ve had enough. But I love him. But I’m not going to be lied to constantly.
Dawn says
What is he lying about? Going to eat?
Anthony says
It doesn’t matter what he lies about, the fact that he is lying is enough. If he lies about something small what else is he lying about?
rahsheeda says
I feel mostly insecure about my boyfriend having a baby mother. He’s said many of times that that ship has sailed. And they are on good terms but I hate she actually exists. It has caused me to become very jealous and it’s embarrassing. I just don’t want to end up pregnant and alone and have to start all over. I don’t want to be left by him for her. Or any one else
Dawn says
Is he giving you any reason to believe he is interested in anyone else but you?
Katie says
I’m in the same situation I love my bf dearly but worried he will go bk to his baby mum I’m with him 100% when it comes to the baby and everything but the thought of him being with her spending time with her and the baby is killing me I no I should trust him when he tells me that there’s nothing left for them and it’s me he wants to be with but I can’t shake the feeling he’s gonna go bk it’s gonna affect are relationship if I don’t stop being so dam insecure all time he’s a good man a man that’s hard to find I’ll do anything to stop my stupid insecure mind!!
stacey says
I’m driving my bf away to the point of no return. He has told me over and over for the negative manner I talk to him in but I dont realise when I’m doing it. He says he loves me, he even left me for 6months last year and came back saying its me he chooses. After a few months my insecurities came into action. He is hard working always online and I get paranoid. Obviously because on the past I seen him have overly friendly conversations with females but he swears that’s in the past. Its hard to believe as he has lied to me so easily that I just have to trust in his words. Deep down though I know he loves me and we are great together. I’m ruining our relationship with my negative thought pattern and lack of trust. I just know soon it will be to late, I’m in a battle with my self and I get lost within irlt all
Sharon says
Firstly, thank you for discussing this topic .
I am so glad I am not alone. I am in a long distance relationship and we try to make it work around weekends but sometimes it’s not enough. I appreciate though.
My insecurities started after I saw a wall post on social media where his ex was asking for a video since he’s into music. The only issue I had was how friendly he was with her, as I knew how their relationship ended. I could care less about the ex, it was just how he responded. Even today I feel insecure and I hate it. I feel like things are different and I believe it’s just in my head. I don’t know if I can fully relax and trust him like before because that’s obviously easier and I’m happier that way. I love him but I fear getting hurt like I always do.
Jim says
I am doing the same thing. Reading into posts on social media, making up scenarios in my head. Not trusting her when I have no reason for it except past bad relationship. I think I may have ruined things for good. What can I do to stop this self destructive behavior ?
layde says
I love your thoughts here.
Hades says
Even though my boyfriend is the sweetest thing in the world, my insecurities are so severe, even though we talk every single day. (Long distance) I make myself harder to love, to push him away and end up hurting myself in the process, literally like ripping your own heart out because you know it’s working, but you self destruct thinking you come out without a scratch and hope they still there to love you after. You test their love. While I feel like I don’t deserve this person, I’m contradicted every time and panic because he’s still there and loves me and all my flaws no matter what… Today we’re still together, I’m working through the insecurities and relationship anxiety each step at a time because deep down I know this person deserves the same love, loyalty, respect and commitment they’ve shown me.
Laurent says
Wow. Your comment is EXACTLY what I’m going through. Long distance relationship, pushing my gf away intentionally but regretting it after I say or do something stupid with no valid proof of anything done wrong just my insecurities.
I think it’s my relationship anxiety of constantly asking myself am I ready to be in a relationship..
How have you been progressing? Is there any tips you have?
Jessica says
I am going through the same thing – ld relationship, my bf is such a nice guy and he never ever gave me a reason not to believe him, he isn’t afraid to tell me and show me how much he loves me. He even flew 14hs plane to come to visit me and be with me. But I am the one that has trust issues that have roots from my early childhood, I always felt insecure in school or sports, though I was an excellent student and a player. Then I had one pretty bad relationship that really f*cked me up and afterwards my insecurites reached sky-high…Today I’m still fighting my insecurities, I’m self-destructive , I have need of attention, I always find ways to judge him about something he has said or done, everytime when there’s nothing to be thrown at him, I start mentioning his past gf and all the things he has done with them, and not with me… I am aware that I am the one that is causing this avalanche, rapid downfall in the relationship and I can’t help myself, I was thinking to break up with him so I can end my suffering and so he can be with some girl that doesn’t have this load of insecurities on her. But maybe I should just go seek psychological help.
Natasha says
I’m married to a wonderful man. We both have our problems, medical, emotional, etc.
The problem I keep having is this jealousy when he talks about other women. I can’t stand it. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. That there is some other woman out there, taller, more beautiful, more intelligent, more into his interests and better at them than me, just a better woman for him than me. He’s drunkenly told me that he could have cheated on me but he didn’t and that if he didn’t have such good friends accompanying him on his alcohol outings he might have cheated and that he’s forced sexual thoughts of women he’s worked with to see if it aroused him to confirm that he’d choose me over all others. These were all said under drunken influence and while we were in our earlier times of dating and he’s said he wants to leave all drunken times behind anything he’s said while drunk no longer counts etc.
I just want these jealous moments to go away, I want to feel like the woman he says he sees me as
D says
My husband is awesome and I’m the insecure one who keeps thinking about my past relationships which gets in the way of my current marriage. I really need to figure out a way to overcome this before I lose the best thing that ever happened to me but I don’t know how. I’m full of doubt even though he’s never done anything to make me doubt since we’ve known each other 17 years ago.
kc says
I am a 27 year old woman in a relationship with a 24 year old guy for the past year. I have had a failed marriage and have one son with my ex. My boyfriend is very loving but has a very insulting sense of humour and says hurtful things that are really affecting my self esteem. I am so insecure that I wonder why he is with me and if he is even attracted to me. He rarely gives me compliments and I wonder is it my insecurity or is something wrong in the relationship. He gets annoyed when I get insecure and I’m worried its going to drive him away. I am so insecure its painful.
Sprinkles says
Its not a sense of humor if he’s saying things to hurt you. Stop making excuses for him and get out of the relationship. He needs to support you even when you are feeling negative emotions. I just got out of a shitty relationship where my husband would shun me if I had any sort of bad feeling. I wasn’t even allowed to cry in front of him or I would get in trouble. Get out my dear, you’re still young and I’m sure beautiful. Go find a real man who treats you with respect.
Krystle says
You just described my relationship and my feelings…all except for the ages…I love my boyfriend! He is absolutely amazing and he is the best man I have ever been with. And I have told him that his sense of humor isn’t humorous to me…he doesn’t change it…
toots says
dump him. verbal abuse hurts and that is what is going on here. Tell him that if he does not clean up then you will leave the relationship and then do it if he does it again.
dee says
I’m needy and clingy …..very insecure. Not unattractive at all. Successful. I still don’t know where this stems from…I have a great guy.
Allie says
I have been with my now fiancé for 2 years. He proposed on our two years. I found out tonight that he was talking to some girl, (she wasn’t interested and was telling him he was wrong for what he was doing) saying he doesn’t see me as a fiancé just a girlfriend, that it’s just a relationship, that he just wants to have fun.. Said I rushed him when I haven’t done anything… Then got all mad when I confronted him about the girl telling me and showing me proof saying it was all a lie that they photoshopped it.. I love him, but this really hurt…
Given up says
I’m starting to think I’d be more happy just being alone.
Mark says
You said you would be more happy being alone… You’re never alone… Even in the wild you can look up at the stars or sky and remember everyone who had been there for you before!!
I was looking through this website cause I too feel insecure…
Something or someone will come eventually and it will change your thoughts!!
Sara says
I’ve been seeing someone for just over 2 months and initially it was going really well, we both have children from previous relationships, his situation is more recent than mine. In the last month it’s been increasingly difficult to see each other, he lives around 40 minutes away and I don’t drive. i never see him when i have my children and visa versa, introducing children should in my opinion come once a relationship is established. He’s having slot of issues with his ex resulting in court dates, it’s just very messy for him at the moment. As much as I know things are hard for him I still need to know that he’s bothered about me. We communicate but it’s felt like is become increasingly less recently. Understandably so because of what’s been happening with regards to his children and home etc. just yesterday he told me he missed me but I didn’t realise how insecure I was, I took him saying he missed me in a positive way but then I found myself over analysing everything still and driving myself crazy thinking that he’s not interested anymore. I’ve even thought of the worst case scenario in which he tells me it’s over. He’s not done or said anything to make me think he’s not interested, but the issues and pressure he’s been under and the lack of times we’ve seen each other recently makes me go into brain overdrive. HELP… I don’t want to ruin something that could potentially be great. It’s always difficult with kids involved because the time you could spend together is even less than if you were dating someone childfree.
Teresa says
I’m a 43 yr old female. I’ve had so many heartbreaking experiences in my life. I’m literally what people calls damage goods. I know that I’m a good woman with a big heart. When I love, I love hard. But it always seems that the men I knew would always do me wrong. It made me feel like the most ugliest woman in the world. So by going through all that, my mind believes that nobody will love me. I met someone recently who made me feel on top of the world. But my insecurities have pushed him away from me. I really enjoy being with him, but it’s like he don’t wanna deal with the problems that I have. I want to be a better person so that for once in my life, I can truly experience happiness and real love. I just don’t know how to shake the years of hurt, so I can move on. I pray and I try to think positive, but it comes right back. I just don’t know what to do.
Michelle says
Hi Teresa,
I just came upon this site because I’m dealing with insecurities in my new relationship. I’m curious how things are going for you now almost 4 mos later?
Jerry scott says
I have a great girl who I love very much ….. But my insecurities and lying to her is tearing us apart. She has given me no reason not to trust her but because of my past relationships and what I’ve been through i seem to lie to her about stupid stuff little stuff that I shouldn’t. I feel like a complete failure . For once in my life as a 42 year old male I have met someone honest and caring and will never have to worry about her cheating or lying. I’m not giving up I’m going to do my best to stop the feelings of being insecure and stop with the petty lies. She is a wonderful person and I never in my life thought I would meet someone like her. I know that no relationship is perfect and there will always be ups and downs … I struggle with my inner demons and I need to let this feeling of being insecure and lying to her end … She does not deserve it and she is hanging on by a thread because of my stupidity. I will make this right …
Brooklyn jones says
I have been married for 15 years and lately I’ve been craving attention from my husband that I rarely get and it hurts me so much. I am so hurt when he can compliment another women but can’t say something nice to me. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m not skinny enough or pretty enough anymore. It has been making me very insecure. When we fight I always bring it up and tell him how much it hurts me but he twists everything I say around. All I want is attention from him and for him to show me he loves me! I really need some advice, I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this…
Jb says
Brooklyn, I think you need to turn to a clergy member for deeper guidance. I was married for 16 years and have two beautiful daughters as a result, but the end of my marriage destroyed my kids. Don’t fall for the self-pity party I was looking at this article because I too feel insecure, but self-confidence can go a long way. Be the wife your husband needs and you will see your needs change too. The attention you want may not he the love he can give at this moment, just remember that love is patient, kind, humble, and selfless. Kindest regards.
Rob says
I feel I’m in a good relationship, I have been in it for four months now and my gf is pregnant. It was no surprise we planned it. But I have issues with her ex and I let it bother me. They’re still friends on Facebook and I asked why she said normally that she would have deleted him but they have a group of mutual friends and they do movie nights and stuff like that. So instead of making things awkward she is still friends with him. She assured me nothing would ever happen between them and that if there was a group function I would be apart of it to. But he still leaves pics and posts up from her and it bugs me I think he still may want her. But I don’t want it to ruin our relationship.
Kyle says
I’ve been in an amazing relationship for about 3 years now. But I’m currently deployed and before I was I got insecure about if she would leave me or not and now that I’m here we barely talk on the phone, it’s rare enough to see a text message from her when it’s never been like that in the past, it wasn’t like that the first week or two I was deployed. Now that I’m going on month 3 ice been accused of being insecure multiple times because I ask why she’ll talk to everyone else but me. I asked earlier and she said she wasn’t in the mood. Then she’ll get on her Facebook and chit chat away with several people or her mother will call and she’ll talk for hours on end. If I do get to speak to her I have to end up waiting in line to get my turn. So yes I get antsy about who she talks to everyone once in a while and why she won’t talk to me but she’ll talk to her coworkers and family. Whereas I have no one to talk to. I’m growing out of my insecurities thanks to her, I had a bad marriage a while back and it left me insecure. How can I prove to a very very stubborn and headstrong woman that she’s wrong and that I’m not being insecure, she just sees that because that’s been the reason in the past?
Kate says
I have a question to what you said and I’m sorry it’s off topic, but my husband is military and I’m so insecure about when he’ll be deployed someday, I feel like I’ll worry about him cheating or hanging out with other women. He’s not that type of person AT ALL, he’s very committed and faithful, but from your perspective as a man in a relationship, is that something that a lot of men struggle with? Is that something that would be tempting for a married man? He’ll be sent to lots of ports in many foreign countries and have freedom to do whatever he wants
RobbeeBobbee says
Good to know that there are good men and women out there who share the same hopes and fears regarding insecurities. I have been dating a friend that I have know for many years. Turns out after we both had a couple of failed relationships that we were meant to be with each other. Now that we are dating things have got complex. What we have is good, but It is my hope that we continue to grow as a couple. After a couple of weeks she started saying ” I love you”. This was what I hoped for all along but it seemed kind of strange. More time went on and I realized that it was ok to say it. Now I say it but she recently backed off. As you can tell this drives me crazy. So maybe I need to back off a little. This is all I have for now. Wish me luck…
Ann says
I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about 4 1/2 years. We were married and then divorced due to his family and he had a lot of health problems when we first got married. Almost died. We had tons of stuff thrown at us all at once. We dated for a while, he cheated on me because he thought he wasn’t good enough for me and thought if he treated me badly it wouldn’t hurt as much if he died. (Still had heart issues). We broke up a few months ago. Didn’t talk for almost a month. He texted me one night told me missed me. We talked for a while. Then decided to get back together. He told me things he had never said to me before. Like how much he missed me , the reasons he cheated, how he knew he screwed up a windetful thing with the most important person in his life(me). Now I just feel insecure about it because I’m araid one day he will turn back into the old him. He hasn’t done anything to show he’s the old him nor had he treated me anyways near the way he used to. He has been a good man and treated me the way I should be treated. Just can’t get the old him and his old ways out if my mind. What should I do ?
Beth says
In response to all he has done I do feel insecure. Who wouldn’t? He tells me to stop being insecure. But does nothing to help. He will never answer my questions. Or tell the truth. He will neither confirm or deny its painful .. will take days to get a straight answer All the while he says he is working on our relationship but just keeps going back to the others.
Beth says
I have become insecure in a relationship because of cheating and lying. I asked my boyfriend at the very beginning if he had a girlfriend. He said no. After three months it came out that he had two other girlfriends at the same time. He was going out with three women. He ended one which he eventually went back to and continued the other even now. He says if i make a commitment to be with him long term he will end it with this woman. This woman he has cheated on continually the whole 9 years they have been together. That I feel is the worst part. He can’t end it before I make a commitment? Who does that? Then he tells me I am insecure and to stop it and I have an inferiority complex! Who wouldn’t !! The stories and lies he has told are just the craziest I have heard. What do you think? He says he’s changed???? Lying again??
Michelle says
I say “Run!!!” If he wanted to settle down with you he wouldve quit the dating scene long before this! Nothing about this seems right, you deserve much better, find a real man who doesnt have a bunch of side ladies!
Cam says
I’ve struggled with a sense of insecurity in relationships many times in the past-and the triggers I’ve identified are, I think, common to many of the people reading this blog: she hasn’t replied to my last email or text, she says she’s too busy to see me, I know she’s going out to a party tonight and I’m sure some guy is going to hit on her, etc…and then we extrapolate all of those events into a fantasy: she’s lost interest in me. But I’m convinced that we do that for a reason. There’s a voice inside many of us that says this: anxiety and despondency are natural responses to life and it’s challenges. But clearly they’re not, otherwise everyone would feel the same, wouldn’t they?
So identify where that voice comes from. In most cases, I think, it’s an internal vocalization of a core belief that we absorbed as infants. For example, if your parents were anxious and angry people, then whether you like it or not you’ve absorbed the idea that the normal way to be is to be angry and anxious. Question that: if that’s the right way to be, why does it make you miserable? Your conscious mind tells you that you want to be happy and fulfilled, so why go on allowing a belief that you had imprinted on you as a child undermine your natural impulse to live well? And given how central our intimate relationships are in our life, and given that our whole concept of love is tied to the people who set us unhelpful examples in the first place, is it any wonder that our deepest connections to others can be compromised by insecurity?
I guess my point is this-at one level we DECIDE to be insecure and unhappy because there’s an externally induced internal enemy that says, this is how you should be. It’s hard work, but I’d suggest that we look for the distortions of reality (mind-reading, mental filtering, emotional reasoning) that are the mechanisms by which we undermine ourselves, and challenge them at EVERY opportunity: identify what that critical inner voice is actually saying-and most of the time it’s saying, this is not going to end well; and then get back to the prime mover-that core belief that motivates the voice. I can guarantee that the harmful core belief is a myth, a superstition. A genuine insight into your condition can undermine a lifetime’s worth of lies you’ve been telling yourself. So challenge that internal enemy every time it makes itself known-and remember, it is not YOUR voice. It’s just the vocalization of a false belief, a lie that you’ve been telling yourself unconsciously for most of your life. Identify the lie and replace it with whatever rational belief suits you best: and in my case, it’s this. Life offers potential for both joy and pain, and you should never, ever, ever, be afraid of the latter or of losing the former. We have at best a few decades of this existence, and the richness of our life, it’s uniqueness, lies in the variety of experiences we dare to face up to, and in our facing up to and embracing the exhilarating uncertainty of the future.
Michelle says
Cam thank you so much for your thoughts. This has helped me tremendously.
I am going through stuff – new (same sex) relationship, she was amazing at the beginning, said loving things, texted all the time, was keen to come over – and now at the three month mark, there’s so much less of that happening, even though I am still giving loving texts, inviting her over etc. I know rationally that she is dealing with health issues – she’s on anti-depressants and they’re making her very tired. So there’s a really good reason for her decreasing energy for the relationship.. but irrationally, still my insecurities make me feel anxious and sick every day. In the past, many of my relationships (all with men) ended at the three month mark – that seems to be the point at which the honeymoon period dies down and the real work begins. And in the past maybe I have sabotaged things at that point when I’ve been unable to handle a change in behaviour – which I probably decided was MY fault for not being attractive/loveable enough.
Currently I am stunned – at the age of 48 – that I am still so insecure, and I battle with it daily, and do everything to prevent her from knowing how I feel, to be strong and present for her when she does want to see me. I am afraid I am going to just crack it one day and accuse her of losing interest – so I put a lot of effort into keeping this bad feeling under control, and it’s exhausting me. Have even booked a session with a psychologist next week to help me.
But reading your words about the past – wow. Thank you so much. I am actually going to print this out and carry it with me, to help me when I’m not feeling strong.
x
Wille says
I just met this wonderful, wonderful girl whom I recently started dating. However since starting and getting to know her.. all of these insecurities of my own have been popping up in my own head from past experiences of what has happened. It has been extremely challenging and has made me realize how little trust I have in her. Personally I think dating these days is very hard. It has been a lot of hard work mentally to try to not get so attached and push her away. I’ve realized my frustrations occur from her annoyances with me. I think she is very beautiful, of course, and we have a really great time together when we do hang out. I think it is the time apart which is challenging. It has been exciting and has me focusing on thinking positively and being challenged in this area. I read a past post of someone breaking up with their boyfriend due to past insecurities… I did something very similar to this and was absolutely heartbroken because of it, with someone that I felt i truly loved. I’m really wanting it to work out in the long run because I think she is a really good girl and someone that I can actually see myself with and actually have a lot of fun with. Not giving up and seeing it through to the end!
Sean says
I am in a relationship and I always feel like I’m giving too much but not getting back anything. I’m pretty sure it’s half imagined but half real as well. I would definitely appreciate any advice.
It’s true that I give alot. Last week she mentioned casually how she loves ginger snaps and so I went out to buy her a jar, fill it up with ginger snaps and handpaint it for her.
It’s not that I dont know how to draw boundaries. But the thought of doing these things just to see her smile, even if she doesnt know the effort behind them, is enough to make me happy.
Yet, I feel under appreciated sometimes. I’ve jokingly mentioned it a couple of times but never seriously. Why? Because I’m glad that for the first time in a long while, for about one month now, she has gotten over her insecurities and is opening up and the last thing I want is to make her feel like she isnt good enough again.
I know this is a small snapshot of our relationship and it may seem abit dysfunctional but it isnt. I love her alot and she does too.
I’d just love a little advice on how to deal with this insecurity (if any of you face this as well), without drawing excessive attention to my “plight” or being a victim.
Denise Leanne says
This was extremely helpful to read. I’ve had personal problems that are not my boyfriend’s fault at all, just because I think to myself out of all of the women out there with advantages above mine, why would he choose me? He is a completely honest person, and because of that he tells me what he is thinking, like if he were to see another woman with breasts three times the size of mine, or remember the color of that girl’s dress, or something else that is really just harmless. I kept thinking to myself, “He notices so many details of so many other women, but I don’t notice other men. All I see is him. He must be looking for something more.” I never realized that my problems rose out of insecurity, so I’m glad I read this article. I tried to explain to him that this was my problem, but I also partake in the unhealthy charade of making him read my mind, and I held my thoughts in until he finally approached me to ask, at which point it was blown out of proportion. It is just difficult to admit that I am insecure, and discuss those insecurities, especially to the one person I want most to see me as being strong.
Andrea says
I’m in a relationship that is very difficult for me because the trust goes up and down. It is hard for me to feel secure when it seems like he is constantly looking at other women especially his exes. We both cheated on each other and are working to forgive each other and move past it. It is harder for me because I always feel like he is lying about still being in contact with the girl especially because she has told me in the past that he has reached out to her saying that he loved her and she was the only one for him. That was a tough pill for me to swallow so we broke up but then eventually got back together. All of this feeds my insecurities and I wasn’t like this in any other relationship and it sucks so bad sometimes. I just try to see the silver lining of things and look for the light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes I feel like it’s a lost cause and I get so confused and frustrated.
TMomma63 says
My current partner doesn’t like to talk about relationship issues. I believe that is because his past relationships have beat him down with accusations and arguments that he avoids talking about issues. I feel insecure and I desparately need to know where our relationship is going or not going and he isn’t willing to open up. What should I do ..how should I handle this?
Abby says
It’s only when I’m not spending time with him that I let my insecurities get the better of me; creating scenarios in my head, making assumptions and basically everything that makes me lose faith and trust in the relationship. It is difficult to differentiate between what’s real and what’s only in my head. It is difficult to convince myself that it is only my imagination. Because it feels too real. And it doesn’t help when he doesn’t know how to help me feel better about it either. I tried explaining to him what my insecurities feel like but it seems like he just doesn’t understand. “I really love you alright?” and “I really don’t know what to say,” or so he likes to say all the time. I get that this whole insecurity thing is just a blob of confusion to him because it’s all in my head, but the fact that he tells me that he doesn’t know what to say makes me feel as though he’s not even trying or he’s already given up. “I really love you, alright?” may seem like a reaffirmation for me, but in my head it just sounds like he is frustrated with me and that he’s trying to avoid my confrontation rather than trying to help me.
It makes me feel so hypocritical when I’m with him. It’s as though everything suddenly seems alright when I’m physically with him. I can be bawling my eyes out while on the phone with him, telling him how much I fear for our relationship one night and spend the next with him like the last never happened. Times like this I can’t help but to think that “it’s just me”. And he makes me feel worse by acknowledging that as a fact. I mean, call it a white lie or not, I could use a little reassurance especially when my self-esteem is already rock bottom. Now I really feel hopeless, and worst of all, heartbroken.
I find myself constantly questioning myself, whether his feelings for me are mostly love, or lust. This is usually where my entire being just starts breaking down. I feel like I love him more than he loves me and that he’d run away anytime he finds someone better than I am. And the fact that I don’t trust him enough I know will cause our relationship to tip one day. I tried talking to him, and I tried conditioning myself. I don’t know what else I have left to try anymore, but I am not ready to let go of this relationship. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough for him especially when we’re apart and I want to change myself for the better of this relationship.
Tj says
I feel exactly the same
Monica says
The issue is me, I believe and know that I have a good and changed man. I cant keep looking for things that aren’t there..
Kate says
I’m so insecure it’s insane. I was with my (boyfriend at the time, now husband) for five months before he joined the navy. Then we did a long distance relationship for over a year. Before he left I was very confident and satisfied with our relationship, after he left things changed. I lost my trust for him, and I stared snooping on all of his things: Facebook, Facebook searches, YouTube history, vine history etc. I was constantly worried about what and who he was searching. I was afraid he was looking at other girls photos and inappropriate things. Eventually I did find out he had started watching porn and hiding it from me, and watching other “weird” things on Vine. It totally messed with my head and my trust issues got even worse because he didn’t tell me about any of it. I know those are personal things, but it made me insecure because I thought he thought that the girls he saw in those videos were attractive and that I wasn’t good enough. I always worried about what he did with his friends and what be talked about and worried about him looking at other girls in public. I started going crazy and I hated the person I became. We’re married now, and we’ve obviously ended the long distance part of our relationship and live together now. He stopped watching porn months ago but I still can’t let go of the things he’s done in the past, and I still have major trust and insecurity issues and they don’t ever get better. Even though we’re together now, I’m still constantly worrying about all of those things and I don’t know how to make it stop. He’s given me every reason to trust him again and tells me I have nothing to worry about and says he has no interest in porn anymore or other girls, but I still struggle with it
Tj says
Me and my boyfriend just started dating a few months ago..he has a job and I just finished off with school..we see each other regularly whenever his off and sometimes he goes out with his work buddies he always invites me but I always turn him down I’ve never met them before but he speaks about them now and then and I don’t know why I feel this way but they sound like the type of guys that would encourage him to cheat..even if they knew he has a girlfriend my insecurities so bad whenever I hear his going out with them…my attitude suddenly changes towards him and I get upset.. his an amazing honest guy and I love him but every time his out with them I feel like he drinks so much they try to make him flirt with other girls…his two years older than me and I can’t help but think what does he see in me. My previous relationship broke me down mentally my ex cheated on me and still feel like I have trust issues because of that. My boyfriend has his ex on instagram and likes her pictures now and then I can’t help but feel bothered by it..because of her friendly comments on some of his pictures..its probably nothing and I feel so silly for thinking this way.
Mey says
Hi,
My ex cheated on me too and this was over 8 years ago and I am still dealing with trust issues with the current partner I have. I think it is common that when you are cheated on, to feel insecure in the next relationships. I have sabotaged a few relationships after my ex because of these insecure feelings. I am still struggling with it now, but be strong. If he treats you well you should not question him. And perhaps you should go out with him and his friends too! Good luck.
Leeward says
I feel insecure. I use to not be this way in the beginning of our relationship. In the beginning I didn’t mind her sexy manner of dressing. But, our relationship struggled some trust issues…and the more I have learned about her, the more I think she likes the attention, but I could be wrong. She says she just has self pride and likes to look good…which i totally understand. Who doesn’t want to look good, right? It really bothers me when she shows off cleavage or gets super hotted up. Maybe I don’t feel worthy, even though I am. I know I have insecurity and trust issues, and honestly I just want to stop feeling insecure about it. It’s affecting our relationship. I’ve expressed I don’t much care for her showing of cleavage and she responds with, “well, you didn’t mind before”. That is a good point. It just seems to ruin the day for me when i pick her up to go out for lunch and shopping when she’s wearing something low-cut or see thru. I’m just being honest. She tells me I should just enjoy it, but I have a hard time enjoying it knowing that the rest of the guys out there are enjoying it to. She’s very outgoing and friendly and laughs at everything…so guys are naturally drawn to her. I know she is with me, and I should be more confident, but I don’t know how to overcome these feelings of insecurity. So that is my question I guess, how do I overcome insecurity. I want to be better.
ashley says
I amazing very insecure with my boyfriend. I never feel attractive enough. He calls me beautiful and set all the time and he is a great boyfriend but I feel like after looking at music videos he would sat something g about the girls on there and it does l really sound offensive I just tale it thay way. Eariler he said “see yeah baby that’s too much. I’m glad you don’t have all that .” I took it like he was trying to be insulting.
David says
I feel insecure because I have 2 kids.. And my girlfriend is so beautiful and I see everyday a different guy try and talk to her.. I feel like she would leave me for someone better then me.
Kristin says
Here I am 20 yrs old and I never had a serious relationship, I was always played with. Now I’m with this guy who’s 7 years older than me and I felt like things were going perfect, until last week when he was on his phone and I felt like he was hiding something. We talked it out and stuff but I still can’t help but to think I’m not the only girl in his life. I seem to push him away and now that he’s on his last straw with me. I don’t feel like we have a purpose anymore because I can’t seem to get these insecurities out of my head.
Mandy says
After I read this it really opened up my eyes to not always find the negatives in my relationship but only focus on the positives. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are in college, which I have heard is the hardest when you’re in a relationship. He is the love of my life and I believe him when he tells me he loves me too. But lately I haven’t been feeling wanted like I used to or I don’t feel good about myself like every girl should. He’s been acting distant lately because he says I stress him out with my negativity. But I don’t realize it until we start fighting. Growing up every time my mom was upset or stressed out she would get very uptight and mean and I don’t want to turn into that but I think it’s what I might turn into. I don’t know how to let things go and just relax I’ve tried everything. Being insecure will just ruin our relationship, I have been super insecure about myself lately and I’m not too sure why, and it’s not helping us at all. It’s almost like the “honeymoon stage” is coming to an end and I don’t hear how I am the most beautiful women in the world really. I don’t know what to do before it’s too late.
Son says
Thanks! Your article is great. I just spoke to a friend, I haven’t talked to for a long time. Hopefully I will be able to reconcile with my friends.
Kitty Cup Cakes says
This has been eye opening.
I googled my issue and came across this article and seeing everyone’s comments really reaches out to me.
I’m 23, female, and I’m dating a guy who is freshly 22.
My last relationship lasted for 5 & 1/2 years. 2-3 of them years not being the greatest.
Late last year I finally left and have never felt so much weight lift off my shoulders.
Then a couple of weeks later a guy from work was interested in me. He said all the right things a vulnerable girl would want to her and he practically groomed me. He got what he wanted in the end and that’s just it. It was the END. That night after I slept with him, he told me he didn’t wanna take it further and to keep it professional blah blah blah.
It hurt. And now I’m with this new guy who is extremely attractive and he has been amazing. He’s been nothing like the others, he’s a gentleman and ever moment had been awesome.
But I’ve been with holding trust to try keep me safe from being hurt again.
I have a habit of making up shit in my head and connecting dots that aren’t even there and I didn’t even realise until I read this article that I was sabotaging myself.
I was putting him in the same category as the others from my past and that wasn’t fair. He told me that my insecurities is a concern.
Now he says he needs time.
I’m afraid that I’ve ruined it for myself. But at the end of the day. I learnt something about myself and all I can do is work on it and make myself the better person I deserve to be.
So thank you for this article and thank you to everyone who commented on this article aswell. xxx
Kim says
Hi
My insecurities definitely arise from my Partner who has cheated.
For myself getting over the fact that he cheated was okay, but it was more so that he kept in contact with the person that really rub me the wrong way. He still does today. The conversations are not sexual but I feel as though he talks differently to her than he does to me.
So I do the stupid thing and I go through his phone every now & then. and when I do find anything I confront him about it and he is not happy and it all becomes my fault. I know invading his space is a definite NO and im sure many of you would agree, whats hard is he always seems to think its worse than what I find on his phone.
I need help getting past this because now we are expecting a baby and we make a good team there are just a few loop holes that need to be fixed.
What do I do?
George says
I am a very insecure person. The woman I was with was the best woman ever to come into my life. I have blown it by lying to her. I always think to myself why is she with me. She could have someone much better. She is kind considerate loving compassionate and beautiful. I have trouble letting go of the past and fear of being rejected. Thank you.
Lynn says
I don’t usually comment on stuff but I feel like this post hit so close to home and I’m hoping in the long run it ends up helping me.
I’ve been dating this wonderful guy for about 5 months now. To be completely honest the first 2 months we were getting to know one another he had been speaking to another girl. He was upfront and honest with me about it, and the more serious we got the less he spoke with her or saw her. She was nothing serious at all as they had only been dating a few weeks. Shortly after all contact was cut with her he and i made it official and have been together since.
We lived about 45 minutes apart but I worked close to his house. Usually I would stay with him 5 nights a week until it turned into me being there all the time. Whenever I would go to leave he would ask me to stay and find reasons for me to spend the night. We ended up moving in together on a trial basis and to see how it goes.
He is hispanic and lives with his family, so i moved in with not just him but his family as well. I don’t speak a word of spanish however I am learning but it does become difficult for me at times.
He has been a wonderful boyfriend. Very attentive, always on top of me about eating, sleeping, taking care of myself. He constantly wants to pay for anything and everything which irks me here and there. He’s very hard working and doesn’t get much free time. Now the issue is I’ve had shit relationships in the past so I unfairly assume every guy is the same. Every night i have to fight not to go thru his phone. Anytime i have seen his phone there is nothing to find. He is home every nigh with me, he is not secretive about his phone, and he doesn’t go mia. However i cannot help feeling like he would rather someone better, prettier, spanish, etc. i constantly have these feelings and they are causing me to act crazy. I randomly snap when i see him on the phone, i always want to have the same conversation for reassurance and he gets annoyed. He tells me he has no time and that he thinks I’m nuts for feeling this way. He choose to be with me, he moved me in, all that. He includes me in all he does and honestly i have no reason to feel how i do, however my insecurities are getting the better of me.
toots says
lynn, may I suggest something that has worked for me…. When I need a reassurance I tell him that I just need a pat on the head. and he does it and it all just goes away. do something positive rather than rolling around in the negative…..
Michelle says
I am finally in a great relationship after being in several where my partner at the time cheated on me. In high school, I was pretty confident when it came to relationships. Then, my first marriage, I caught him with my 16 year old sister. My second went to prison for being with our 16 year old babysitter, and well, it goes on and on. My last relationship didn’t cheat on me, but never wanted to do anything without me. He never went out with his friends or anything. When I wanted to go out, I would start to feel guilty. Now, I have this really wonderful man that is very independent. I trust him with my whole heart. My problem is that I second guess everything. I get jealous when he does things with his best friend and doesn’t want me to go. They are going to a concert next weekend. The only reason he says he is going is that his best friend asked his secretary to go, but doesn’t want it to seem like a date. I shouldn’t get upset. I know this. It is just hard not to. I just need to learn how to be myself again. I need to learn how to be independent again. That is the hardest thing.
Keaton Taylor says
Hello all,
I love this post and all the comments! Very insightful and helpful so thank you!
Here’s my situation, I am a recent expat from the USA to New Zealand. And low and behold I met someone out of the blue. As if by some sort of cosmic alignment. He’s a fantastic guy, in fact the only guy that I have ever truly felt comfortable with. BUT here’s my conundrum, I am having a hard time relaxing with the whole thing because I am scared to death of screwing things up with him that I have become anxious and uncharacteristically clingy. I am not a clingy person usually, in fact I am quite the opposite. Am I alone in this? How do I calm down? I have been thinking about it quite intensely over the past week or 2 and have come to the conclusion that my own insecurities with my own situation (have no job as of yet and am living off of savings and so on) may be bleeding into this budding relationship. He has said that he feels that I am too good to be true and when I speak of my feeling inadequate he tells me that he’s not going anywhere and already talks about the future with me. HOW DO I CALM MY BRAIN DOWN??? I don’t want to drive this guy away. He’s a keeper. As a gay man it’s hard to find people that you inherrently click with. I was never expecting to find this sort of thing and fear screwing my chances because I have overthought it. Any help is greatly appreciated!!
Michelle says
WARNING this is going to be long but only because I’ve been struggling for awhile now so for those who read this thank you and I’m sorry it’s so long I just needed to get this off my chest . I’m having a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend I’ve been with for 3 years when we first started dating he told me how hates dwelling on the past and liars and I thought same here . In the very beginning before he left for the navy he would ask me about my past which my past wasn’t bad at all I had been with one guy and it was a serious relationship then when he went into boot camp I wrote him every single day and in return I got 4 letters which I was understanding about then when he graduated and went to Pensacola he continued to ask me question about my past and so any time we talked it turned into an argument because I had agreed to date someone that I felt comfortable with but the thing was anytime I gave him my answer about the past he got mad at me so then I felt as if I couldn’t be honest with him . Then he also told me what I couldn’t do while I was away and I thought being a good girlfriend I would listen all though it bothered me because I had been through that before with my ex which is why we broke up . But I ignored it and continued to try then when he would come home for leave he’d go through my phone and question me on everything when i had done nothing I even lived with his parents for most of my senior year so they knew I had done nothing also but I never went through his phone I trusted him . So right before he’d leave to go back every time he’d be the sweetest person he’d even cry because of how much he’d miss me . And he’d do little things here and there to make me feel special but the arguing was always a problem but I didn’t want to give up I really saw a future with him . Then when he got orders to San Diego I thought how awesome . Mean while I was just about to graduate high school so I couldn’t really go there yet so as he was in San Diego I had noticed he was going out doing all of these things while he made me sit at home there would be nights he wouldn’t even talk to me and says he could care less but I said nothing I didn’t want to argue but at one point I said screw it and hung out with an old friend which I told him about . But while he was in San Diego I felt us drifting even more apart but we had already talked about me moving there so I kept pushing and thought I can’t give up now because what if I regret not going . So I saved up enough money to fly myself out there to go to his Christmas party for the navy and then to stay there . The day I got there I realized no one had no idea who I was and thought how weird I mean I’m his girlfriend . But I let it go but eventually while staying with him I got the courage to go on his I pad after seeing on his phone that some girl messaged him but he said it was nothing . After going on his iPad I found multiple pictures of women and his ex naked and I found the tinder app and other apps with more than 100 girls of him talking to so I had said that’s it . I had been cheated on before in my previous relationship and I said I’d never allow that agin but of course I had no family and no friend i had nothing there just him so I couldn’t just leave I’d given up everything to get there so he got home and balled his eyes out saying how much he regretted it all but said nothing ever actually happened physically but I swore to him if I ever find out something did happen then I’m out so a month goes by and when I can barley see this working we get approved for housing so i thought this is good a fresh start then we move in together and of course my mind is always going thinking about what he did questioning everything and he hates it he just wants me to forget and not say anything he adds in “nothing ever happened me messaging them isn’t cheating” so a couple weeks later I go on his lap top and find old messages to this girl I’m friends with and him telling her how he made out with some girl which it was when I was still in Florida and I just started crying I thought wow I’m just not good enough am I .. I packed all of my stuff and he had no idea so when he got home and he saw it he freaked but I had to come back because I worked and I walked there so I went back and we worked it out after he told me some girl stayed the night with him in the barracks but NOTHING happened he claimed that didn’t even touch.. me giving him another chance because I look for the best in everyone . Basically after all of that I have been struggling with forgetting .. I’ve forgiven him but I can’t forget my mind goes crazy we see a hot girl in the store and I think wow he’s looking at her he wishes he could have that . Then we watch a movie and there’s nudity I think the same thing and when he watches porn even though I’m into porn I just think about how he wishes he had that instead and not only that but I think about everything he’s done and I look for more I just can’t stop I just feel like there’s more to the story and it sucks it really sucks because I want to forget but it’s hard and when I get mad or upset or jealous he says I’ll never change and any time I want to ask a question he won’t answer it and he says “it’s the past” but i want to change I want to be happy I want to forget I try blocking it out but still little things remind me what happened … And it just sucks not feeling good enough . Any advice ?
Serina Parker says
The best advice I can give you is if your still on that relationship and if he’s being good now to just try your hardest to let it go but that stuff is hard to forget but people well couples get past this stuff “cheating” it takes time and if you don’t feel you can do it don’t force yourself.
Serina Parker says
I’m in a relationship with such a loving guy well I was. We’re currently on a “break” because of my insecurities … my last relationship was horriable I trust even when signs are in my face but if I ask my partner I expect the truth and I thought I was getting it. Long story short he cheated for almost the whole 8 months we were together and purposely got a girl pregnant before going to jail for 5 years which he had me convinced well he together after. Ppl were telling me all along about him and what he was doing but one was from a girl he used to talk to and he convinced me she was mad about us and I’m sure as heck not listening to an ex … my bestfriend was cousins with the ex and so she believe he was bad too and also told me what she thought … girls left and right and I would call him cry and he’d convince me I’m his only one and didn’t want to hurt me but he got the girl he was cheating on me with the whole time pregnant on New Years and I spent New Year’s Eve with him lol. So now I have the most caring boyfriend and even with my ex he was caring he took me out to eat, brought me things, called me all the time, came to see me at work on my breaks,, so why would I think he did love me or want me or believe the cheating rumors? But yes I have a man that loves me and I keep pushing him away because of all those things and I keep fearing his love for me is too good to be true & it’s scary I keep thinking one day he’s going to stop and leave me and it’s holding me back. I love him so much and I don’t want him to leave me because of this we agreed on a break (his idea) but I agreed I need to work on these things but he said he’d be here for me in the long run.
Lotoya Dillard says
I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost two years and have only formally met his mother once and when introduced she never knew anything about me. I asked him and he says his mom runs his girlfriends away. But, he never invites me to family events or mentions me when talking to her. I have nevet met anyone in his family but his children a few times and he talks about us to move in together. I feel sone type of way about him not acknowledging me aroubd his mother, when he is on the phone with her or if she is around him and we talk it is a different response to me. He says I am insecure. I say I am not.