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Dorrie says
When you realize that you have lived with a person for several decades and see the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, attitude more frequently, then you know it is time to take a step back and plan for another adventure anywhere else but the place one called home !
noni says
Add to list: (relationship wise) if the person you are seeing seems too good to be true. Tells you all the right things then after while changes. A lot of times what they say that draws you in turns out to be the opposite of whatever they said or displayed. Recently broke up with someone who was the total opposite of everything he portrayed. He pretended to be a good person after awhile I introduced him to my kids. My kids liked him which drew me in. After awhile he began complaining about them and being jealous of them. He wanted to be the baby. My kids come first so that was the deal breaker. You have to give it some time but if you take note of things and watch the warning signs you can save yourself some time. The real him was selfish and controlling. Plus a liar and a cheater.
KT says
I wish I had the guts to leave, that sounds exactly like my Jekle and Hyde. The words, the voice and tone that are used cut deep and the hurt never goes away, I guess that’s my fault for not taking a stand and leaving and I, for the life of me, can’t figure out why I won’t leave. I tried once and he called our son up to tell him that mom wants a divorce and continued to tell him that he did not and asked our son if he wanted our family to break up and our son answered no, so I suspect that’s why I take it silently to keep our family together. I tried telling him that his words are negative and they hurt but he was angry at me and has never apologized for the hurt and pain. I know staying is not the answer and I know how good life would be if I could just get the nerve up to leave but I keep thinking of my son saying he doesn’t want our family to break up. Great post, I’m glad to read something that resonates and know I’m not crazy!
Kj23 says
He doesn’t care about the family aspect, he just wants to control you. Think of this, is this how you would like your son to turn out? You can show him what a woman will and won’t tolerate by taking a stand for yourself. Your sanity could depend on it. Been there, done that. So glad I left. My kids had to accept it and move on, too.
Rs says
I agree with what KT has said. Sometimes it’s social pressure which forces you to continue living like that no matter how hard it is for you. I guess when we have children we think about their well being not our own.
h.b says
If they make you feel unwanted, stupid or worthless then stay away from them because you can’t constantly stay around someone who is making you feel this way. In any relationship, both people are supposed to boost each other up, not bring each other down! xx
Leanne hall says
I’m in relationship with a guy for over 2 years now. We both have other children most adults but have a 7 year old each. It seems that whatever the adult kids require of him is top priory even after ripping their own stepfather off. Now we don’t live together and never will I doubt but am very sick of being the very last on the list when all I’ve ever done is make him priory. Bad me I’m totally list with it all and will be here all night telling it all but I don’t know whether to let him go I love him very much but don’t know if I can carry on like this. Help any advice
Lisa says
Another thing is to consider is this:
If they always come to tell you about the ‘ill’ being spoken of you from other people, they gotta go. Sometimes you have to play ‘Shoot the Messenger’ … Why are they telling you this? Why should you care? Why was it OK for others to talk bad about you in their presence, and they did not defend you? Why can’t they disclose the sources (the people and their names) where this information came from? Seriously, what is the real deal behind all this?
Bottom Line: Don’t tell me what they said. Tell me what YOU said to defend me. Tell me why it’s was OK for them to talk about me and for you to report back to me. Tell me why it was OK for them them talk about me in your presence so comfortably.
BEWARE of the Messenger who tells you of the ill that’s been spoken about you from other people.
BRENDA says
Wow LISA you hit it on the nail. Very wise advice. I had gone thru something like this last week with people I know. Thanks for the eye opener.
Teresa says
Because nine times out of ten the alleged bad mouthers weren’t talking about you at all. It was all made up or the messengers was instigating the bad mouthing of you and persuaded them to agree.
Sofie says
So true! Good Advice Lisa, thank you for sharing, I really needed that today.
God Bless.
Darlene says
What about grown men who are momma’s boys who have never left home? They take the time to be in a relationship, love you with all their hearts and tell you that you are ‘the one’ they have been looking for their entire life….. but 2 1/2 years into the relationship they realize that they can never leave their mother for you. Can they not leave because of guilt or is the fear of leaving the only home they have ever known too much for them? The man in question is 49. I just cannot wrap my head around this and I keep hearing his words to me over and over again how much he wanted to be my life partner. It’s very painful.
Anna says
I know your pain. I have been in an identical situation. Lost time. He will never change. NEVER. Get over it. Sorry.
Jo says
Im married now for 2 1/2 years and I know from a male perspective that a man must balance the love for his mom and the love for his wife. He must be able to make both happy! Often times a source of jealousy brews from the battle between mom and daughter in-law. Just knowing that a moms love can never replace a wife’s love an vice versa is a good start.
If he truly is too much of a momma’s boy he’s got to break out of that quick. Your marriage issues should stay between you and him and not a 3rd party. This might of helped you build a sturdy foundation. Often times the seeds of bad opinions are sowed when a person leaks an issue out of their marriage. Now the in-law or person outside of the marriage has a negative opinion of your marriage and this adds to the chaos!
Craig says
The comment about a partner wanting you to do what THEY want you to do reminded me of something i watched on T.V the other day. The singer , Elton John, when he was struggling to make it as a professional, his then girlfriend , told him to ‘ GET A JOB!!’ He told her to ‘F.CK OFF’ walked out forever, and years later got signed!! hahahahah!
Natalie says
Sometimes I wonder if people have a negative effect on me. Some people don’t come into my space until I am feeling down. I have noticed people don’t (98% of the time) come into my space (unless I have to meet them for study or shopping) until I am in a certain mood. Usually worse.
Michele says
I hear lots of people on hear asking what to do if the offenders are their family. It is way harder to separate from this but the answer is the same – you need to at least create a safe distance from them.
I grew up with two parents that did and still do have an extremely dysfunctional, toxic relationship. They fool themselves into believing they are ‘normal’ people, but they are not. I could fill a book with all the ways this has screwed my head up, and the battle its been to get out from under their metal and emotional oppression.
I have spent half of my time here on earth wasted in careers I hate, second guessing my own judgment and ability to think. I have wasted years my time in toxic, abusive relationships, romantic and otherwise, all because they brought me up to believe I didn’t deserve proper boundaries. I was brought up to think I didn’t deserve any better. How could I even know what proper boundaries were? – I had no examples of it ever displayed before me and my mother would put up with anything.
It’s been a long hard battle in which I had to make some very difficult decisions. They have effected me in ways that have severely impeded my quality of life. Even a brief phone convo feels as if poison has been shot directly into my veins. I have two sisters who are still under their spell, who do not even realize how twisted their thinking is and who try using the same tactics on me as well. I don’t speak to them anymore. I thought this would leave a tremendous void in my life and that I would miss them terribly. I don’t. But this of course makes me the big bad black sheep of the family. I don’t care.
I now am extremely careful who I let into my inner circle, and have made a concerted effort to steer my own children in a very different direction – I have realized that its up to me to break the cycle. Still, its a battle every single day to ignore the negative voices in my head and to trust my instincts and not second guess myself and my decisions.
My parents, however, are old now. Still, I keep them at arms distance. If they need my help, I will help them, because of course I still love them, but I have done lots of work to emotionally separate myself from them. Still, when I do see them, I am screwed up for at least a week, a week I’ll never get back to live my life in a positive, productive manner. I am very careful in sacrificing my sanity for them anymore.
If I’m going to be completely honest, I must admit, that the only reason I stay in contact with them at all is because they are old, and I don’t need to feel that inevitable guilt I will feel when they pass away. So I guess my reasoning for staying in contact with them is, in a way, selfish. I don’t want their toxicity controlling me from the grave.
anonymous says
Wow. Your post really shook me to the core. I am experiencing the same emotions with my parents. It’s funny that you would describe it as a spell. I’ve felt this way too. My brother moved out and even though he’s having a tough time, he refuses to come home. I’m married and I live with my husband but my parents house flooded. They needed help so, we had them move in with us. Needless to say, they have taken over and lately, I’m feeling too much like a little kid. I’ve rarely felt confident in my decisions. My parents are in their late 50’s but they aren’t very healthy so, I do have the worry that they will pass away and I will feel so guilty for how I’ve felt, unsure and I will still be under their spell. My G-d… It’s like im talking to one of my siblings. *HUGS* Let’s try to stay strong!
jpdas says
This absolutely commendable this list has opened my eyes to my detractor. Thanks a lot…
Ivy says
Add to list:
If they do not let you into their life, keep you a secret, do not introduce you to friends &/or family, and do not offer reasonable explanations after a consirable amount of time with that person.
Marcy says
Was starting to think some people in my life weren’t the best people to be around, then I read this and I’m almost certain they aren’t healthy to be around.
Another red flag for if someone is better not being in your life is when you dread talking to them or being around them and make “i dont know if i can” your go to answer for when they ask to do something or go somewhere with them.
Floats says
Trust your gut. Stay strong. Not giving up is strength. Don’t get a habit of seeking the easy way out. These are things that I’ve learned from the relationships I’ve had with people whom made my life a carousel of uncertainty. But I am thankful for the lessons I’ve learned and the devotion to myself that I now have. Above all, trusting my gut is something ill never forget.
Monica says
Fantastic article and great responses.
joyce says
I am in a relationship with a man that no one in my family likes. They don’t like him because of his past. He was addicted to cocaine. An alcoholic. And somewhat of a violent past. He has not drank in 10 years and has done no drugs in over 4 years. They hear past stories about him and think that he treats me hora be. But I have never had someone love me like this man does. Yes he is hard to deal with sometimes but is the most caring loving man I have ever meant. He has no problem saying exactly what he feels in every waking moment of his life. He expresses every day how much he loves me. But everyone one in my family hates him because of how open he is. He is brutally honest in every situation. The only one out of 7 siblings in my family that likes him is one of my brothers and my mom. Am I wrong? Or do they see something I don’t.
Anita says
You have said a lot of things about this man that would raise red flags. Your family may be seeing things you don’t because your thoughts are clouded by love right now. You wouldn’t want to wake up one day to find yourself being abused.
Sharyn L. says
This is coming from someone who has fulfilled the educational requirements to become a certified addiction counsellor. I so work in the field, but I am not yet certified. I also have personal experience as the love of my life was an addict.
I can see where your family are coming from. Typically, it is very difficult for people to see beyond the label, addict/alcoholic, regardless of whether a person is currently using or not. It can be difficult to separate the addiction from the person. It could be that your family is so caught up in the label that it obscures any objective perception. That may never change regardless of how long your partner has been clean.
As well, many people still have an old school mentality that substance abuse is a character or personality flaw, which is like saying a person with clinical depression is weak of character. Substance dependence is called a disease for a reason and the behaviour that occurs when someone has a serious addiction is predictable (lying, stealing, or worse) regardless of their true personality. Take all of these together and it is easy to see why most parents would not want their child involved with an addict/alcoholic, regardless of whether they are using or not.
On the other hand, you must be realistic and understand that someone who has a substance abuse disorder will be skilled at hiding it. An addiction never goes away, it just goes into remission, for lack of a better word. Once someone has a serious addiction, it is a lifetime struggle to remain sober and relapses can be common. Anyone who tell you different is lying.
What I would advise is this: Do some research into substance abuse. Get a good understanding of it including symptoms of using, the relapse process, codependency, enabling etc. Also, make an appointment with a certified addiction counsellor or a therapist who has experience with addictions so they can give you some insight.
Then take that knowledge and reevaluate your relationship. Assess your relationship on two levels. Firstly, look at the addition. Is he using? Is his sobriety a high priority in his life? Is a structured relapse program in place? Does he attend AA/NA? Does he stay away from people who use? A lack of any of those could indicate a relapse is in the process. Even those who have been sober for decades can relapse.
The next step is looking at your relationship beyond the substance abuse issue. Does he make you happy? Does he treats you well? Does he make you a better person, and all the other things that most people consider when evaluating a relationship. It sounds like you have already done this, but do so after you gain more knowledge about addictions.
I hope this helps.
Michael says
It is important to know that people do not have personality flaws, they have character flaws.
All you have to do is review their past and you have it all figured out…
Lisa says
What a profoundly uplifting blog. This is my new lifestyle bible!
Ok… One sign you’re in poor company is someone who is full of saccharin sweet flattery and sycophantic behaviour. Be incredibly wary of the ‘friend’ who also agrees with everything you say and appears to have little independent thought. This is someone who is terrified of not being popular or liked by everyone and will say and do conflicting things depending on who they are sharing a cup of tea with. A real friend is authentic in their ups and downs on this roller coaster of life and doesn’t feel the need to hide their human faults or moments of darkness from you. More importantly they do not judge you in return.
Watch out for this energy vampire: they may suffocate you with barely veiled passive aggression and betray your confidence to the next person they want to impress!
Peace love and light :-)))
CG says
Wow that sounds like quite a lot of assumptions there! Maybe you were too caught up in them and yourself to see that person for who they are, and just accept a few common interests for the same reason. Betray your confidence?? just a smidge hipocritical I’d say;)
Lopa says
Hi guys. Mind-blowing blog. I have met someone like this in my life. He insulted me every time as if I have no existence to him at all. He only craved for my body & my money. He forced me not to take even my breath without his or his parents permission. He had insulted my parents verbally, emotionally & even physically. He, being brutal in nature, tried to even kill me twice. Now I am free from him & going through the painful process of divorce. It is a trauma for anyone to meet some like this, but the moral of the story is truly catchy – you are the master of your life; don’t give anyone such licence that he/she can make your life hell.
deanne fox says
The simple fact that I read this article and agreed to most of it, backs up what I’ve been second guessing and lying to myself about. I need to finally dump the guy now!
Carole says
Grateful to have stumble on this blog – the Universe has a way of providing just what we need to hear when we need to hear it.
Rock the Day All!
Vicki Lindamood says
This article could also be titled “9 warning signs of a bad boss”!
Carmela says
When, after interacting with them, you feel drained. And after a while, you become physically ill, or you begin to manifest physical symptoms of illness (brain fog, fatigue, chest pains, etc) yet your physician can’t find anything technically wrong with you.
Johnny says
I’d like to add something. Have you ever found yourself listening to someone gripe about one thing or another and then offering your constructive, unbiased opinion from an outsiders point of view only to find that when you feel the need to vent the same person whose problems you were polite enough to listen to, basically says they don’t want here you complain. I’ve experienced that recently. It’s unsettling to me how little consideration some can have, and its unfortunate but the last thing anyone needs is to give their positive energy to some one who, not only gives none back, but actually gives off negative vibes.
Minnie says
It took me a long time to finally realize that my family was toxic for my life. I couldn’t understand the why I was feeling stupid, insecure, and unimportant around them until one day I decided to go back to school and their response to this was- you are too old for that!
I have been criticized about my spirituality, my personality, my morals, and values… everything about me, according to them is/was crazy. I needed to be confident for the career I chose and to strengthen my ability to NOT second guess my decisions at work, so while working on acquiring confidence and self-love, I find out that these people (so call family) did not have had my best interest, love, respect, and appreciation; therefore, I do not talk to them and ever since I made this decision, I have been happier, more confident, and motivated to achieve my goals and dreams without having to feel inadequate because of their opinion. Just because it is family does not mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness.
Ms_MeWitUrBS says
I struggled with this same thing for years. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who is dealing with it! I wish you a happy life filled with true friends that you can use to make a new “family.” XoXo
Jaci says
Ask yourself if they are kind. Are they kind to people, to animals, to their mother?
Kay says
Late to the comments section here. What if the people that fit this description are your parents? And you’re an only child? Some of these points fit them very well, due to their narrow religious views, judgmentalism, and expectations that I conform to the same. Any major decisions I make are questioned with “are you sure it’s God’s will?” I haven’t been brave enough to tell them I no longer share their beliefs. I’m in my 30s, have lived far away for much of my adult life, and am considering becoming a long term expat but am worried about having to take care of them in the future.
Julliette Valentine says
One of the big signs that you’re in a bad relationship and that you need to get out is when you’re partner/ friend is physically mentally and emotionally abusive to you. It happened to me once, the person is still trying to continue the relationship we had. I think it’s time to move on and meet new people.
Asiana says
This article touches on a lot of issues I am aware of but it really take courage especially if it is not one person who benefit from having me continuing on a bad relationship. And it is not only about a significant other but also at work or any situation that involve people. I had been lied to from people who want to benefit from gaining information about me. They had steal from me and got away with it. And they act as though it is no big deal like I deserve it. I get angry and upset almost daily because of what they are doing. But most of the time I try to reflect about my own behaviors and how I can improve myself despite what others do or say. I continue to be optimistic despite everything that have set me back by these people who wants to move ahead at my expense. I am stepping away from it all and it feels good not to be around these types of people who cannot move forward without hurting someone else.
Joe says
I guess I know that I’m in bad company when that person triggers a bad habit that I want to stay away from. Even if it’s family
Flower. says
The only thing I can add to this beautiful list of “eye opener” warning signs is that if we learn to love ourselves, we will never have to deal with those situations because when you love yourself you are able to spot the flaws right from the get go. Hence, improve your “own self” all the time and then you will start to live live to the fullest leaving behind all the negative persons, liers, controllers, free loaders, selfish and envious people. I am sixty and have live my own share of deception just trying to fit in or believing on empty promises or deceptive people. You will never know people’s agendas and feelings. The only thing is sure is what you need, what you want and what you feel.
Kimberly Patton says
They keep a checklist of everything they do for you and throw it in your face every chance they get