14 Telltale Signs You Have Crossed Into an Emotional Affair

Douglas

Dangerous Dangerous
In many ways I think that these kinds of affairs can be even more dangerous to a marriage than having a physical relationship with someone could be.
I have never done either, I love my wife, but I know buddies of mine who have started these things with women online and they are in so deep and cannot even think about how to get out of it without ruining their lives.

Zaria

You are looking for ways to impress the wrong person in your life. Impress your spouse or partner, not some wannabe that you have connected with online

greer

Both my husband and I have have strayed into this territory before, although I think that it was a bigger hurt for me than it was to him. For him the ultimate betrayal would have been for me to sleep with another person but to me that was secondary to feeling like he had gotten that close to another woman,.

Simms

You hear about this far more than we once did and I do think that the start of social media has led to this happening in far greater numbers.

I don’t necessarily think that people set out for this to happen, but it feels so good to have someone objective talk to you and listen without judgement… the temptation is just too great for us to overcome at times.

That is why it is important to not put yourself into those kinds of situations at all, so you don’t even have to worry about it happening.

Candi

I have been thinking about reconnecting with my old high school boyfriend, first love of course, online through facebook but then I read something like this and it makes me afraid. Would I be able to squash any romantic feelings that I may still have for him? Would I even want to? I think that until I know those answers to those questions then I am going to continue to err on the side of caution and send no friend request. :/

RICH

Now I have started this thing with this woman that I think that I want to end but I really have become sort of scared about what her reaction might be.

I don’t think that I have led her on, I really just wanted to be friends but it sort of feels like we have crossed the line a little between flirting and stuff we have said but have not acted on. I don’t want to take things any further but I know that when I try to put a stop to it she might just freak out because I feel like she has a lot more invested in this than I do.

I’m kind of feeling stuck, like I don’t want this to go any further but I’m not really sure about how to rein it all back in.

Catherine

It is so easy to get into though if you are feeling hurt or neglected by your partner and along comes someone who only wants to make you feel better about yourself and bam you fall into that trap. I know that it is no excuse for doing it because we have to rise above that but I know very well that this is how it happens.

Donna

My husband (ex) told me about a situation a co-worker was having with her husband and that “we have to help her”. I said “No…WE don’t have to do anything.” She had sucked him into an emotional affair and he was utterly clueless. To this day he denies that there was anything going on. I think he actually believes that. Meanwhile “Tonya” has stolen someone else’s husband and is happily married to this OTHER guy she seduced at work. Should I send the ex this link? He’s not my problem anymore in great part thanks to the emotional affair that “never happened”. In fairness I also have to admit that when things went to heXX I started an emotional affair of my own (high school sweetheart–no love like the first love!!) that made matters even worse. I ended that and worked on the marriage for another couple of years but by then it was doomed.
Those of you who wrote in saying you are in it and afraid to get out…GET OUT! Tell your wife how it started innocently enough and now it’s turning into something that worries you. (Just in case the rejected one DOES contact the wife–quite likely.) The truth you can deal with. The secrets and denial will end you.

Lizzie

Wow, I just realized that I am in an emotional affair with my boss. My friends noticed it last year when I was going through my divorce. They made jokes that my boss had a crush on me. I just laughed it off. When I read this article 90% of the signs were true about us. We enjoy talking to each other but I don’t see myself ever going any further with this relationship while he is still married. My question is , how do I stop this emotional affair?

Lu

Dealt with this very situation. Trying not to step on toes but my spouse seems to be the one who normally starts the conversation. Claims the “friend” helps to sort out and help my spouse to be a better person. Refuses therapy – so my guess would be this is acceptable? Sad to say it really sucks and it makes you feel like an elephant stepping on your chest. And of course if it doesn’t end we all know where it will lead…..best of luck to those out there rowing this boat along side me

Donna

Lizzie, your post makes me so sad. To hear you say that, “nothing will happen as long as he’s still married.” Let’s me know that you are as blind now as when you wrecked your own marriage with this relationship. Not only that but it sounds like you’d be perfectly happy if it ended his too. So it “could go somewhere”. I’m not trying to be mean but ask yourself this: If you sent him a copy of your post would he go ahead and wreck HIS marriage too so you guys can play out your little fantasy? Either answer doesn’t bode well for you. You should definitely think about seeing a counselor to do a little boundary work. As far as HOW to get out of it…try this “This relationship isn’t appropriate. I’ve destroyed my marriage and yours may be next.” “Just curious, what would your wife think about the way we’ve come to relate to one another?”

Nicola

I read this article with interest. I was married for 22 years and my ex-husband started to gradually change when he joined Facebook and High School/College Alumni reunion websites. One evening, I caught him emailing an old girlfriend from college. He said he was confiding in her. You can imagine how that made me feel. To this day, he swears that they never had an affair. He left me 3 months after the email incident. I now believe it was an emotional affair. What was it all for at the end of the day. She was married with children. My ex-husband and her never got together. I have never felt so much heartache in my life and what was it all for? To have several email exchanges with an old college sweetheart? My life changed completely and I moved back to Scotland after falling into a major depression. This was 4 years’ ago and I’m absolutely fine now, and getting on with life. There is nothing to be gained from connecting with ex-partners via social media if you’re in a marriage or a committed relationship. An emotional affair, in any form, destroys relationships, period.

Gary

One issue is a lot of people don’t recognise emotional infidelity, either those doing it or those on the receiving end of a partner doing it. So it can become unnecessarily out of hand very quickly. Chic flicks and such don’t help, they encourage it. Emoional affairs represent the first or limerence stages of a relationship and people can become addicted to that stage. So when it starts to run out with your partner we can think something is missing and look elsewhere. Of course limerence disspates for couples after a while, but there’s very little about what comes next in popular culture, it’s all about the limerence! This encourges emotional affairs which can be intense and long lasting partly because the sexual and romantic tension builds but may not be consummated. The limmernce therefore persisits. We need more education in general about the different stages of relationships and the challenges of long term monogamy. These challenges are real and difficult and ‘love’ isn’t nesscessarily enough. However if we can see the signs of emotional infidelity in our own selves and/or our partner we can intervene and stop it developing.

Debby

My fiancée was or is having an emotional affair. It all strayed out when he was helping his son with his married girlfriend. Then the church told them to stop it. But the messaging and fVe time continued for months after that. How I found out was I was using his computer and he was logged into Facebook and messenger pops up. Well well. I did not answer wish I did. But I read all the messages and videos she sent of her and her husband fighting which I’m sure she only sent what she wanted him to hear. He also learned names in Spanish to call her. It’s been since August and he said he’s not talking to her anymore but after 8 months of talking I have my doubts. I can’t help it. His other wives cheated on him so I never thought he would do this to me. He would not talk about it when I confronted him about it. So I waited and asked him again. He could not give me an answer as to why. Or what happened to us. I have left it alone but there are so many unanswered questions. Don’t know what to do

Missy

I need some advice!My husband and I work at the same place.I’ve had a bad gut feeling about him and our female boss.When there around eachother,they stand on top of eachother and act like nobody else is in the room.I know they have to talk but he talks and texts her all day long when he can come to me about most of the work stuff.There isn’t even enough to talk about with the job for them to talk that much.My husband and I drive separately because he goes in at 5 and I go in at 8.We have a half hour drive home and he talks to her the whole way.When we go for lunch he always has to ask her if she needs anything.As soon as I leave the office to run to town,he’s in the office with her.When she’s out of town he’s like a lost puppy.I confronted him about this and he say’s I’m being rediculous it’s just his friend and boss.I have literally been sick to my stomach for the last 6 weeks and can’t get it out if my head!He’s making me feel like I’m crazy,please give me some advice!

shirley

I have been trying to work out exactly what my husband and I are going through – 3 years ago his cousin’s adult daughter and her family became part of our lives. Then the husband found work overseas so is based over there while the wife and child are based incountry…they both make quarterly trips out to see their father. My issue is this…over 2 years now…my husband and his ‘niece’ have become extremely close. They are always hanging out together to the extent that when people who don’t know us see me and my husband together and are confused because she is the one always sitting shotgun in my husband’s vehicle everywhere they go so assume she is the wife. My husband is always dropping her off at work in the morning and picking her up after work in the evenings…her car for some reason is always in the garage. They are always out together on the weekends and when not together at our house talking on the porch till 2 or 3am…are on the phone. If my husband wakes up on Saturday morning and she is not there…he will call her to bring things up to the house so she can prepare him breakfast…or call and check if she has had dinner so she can come up and either have dinner with us or stay and talk until early hours of the morning. If that is not possible…they are constantly texting or calling through Viber. Her recent trips to see her husband…my husband has both dropped her off and picked her up from the airport. His cousin…another of her uncles had a wedding interstate recently and they both went…I was never invited nor asked if I wanted to go. If any of them are away the other is always updated with the recent goings on with the other persons life…if this is not an emotional affair then what is it? My husband has become very short tempered with me…barking at me on the phone, in public…comparing me to her infront of her and my children…I feel like an outsider in my marriage right now. The last time we went to a family get together they both travelled to with the children in one vehicle while I travelled alone in mine…after so many of these similar trips I took a detour to my mother’s house and the whole time not one person checked up on me to see where I was…so I ended up staying the night

Nicola

Shirley, Your husband’s actions are completely unacceptable. I think you need to severe the ties with this woman. You are married to one another and it is not your husband’s responsibility to ensure her happiness no matter what her circumstances are. You are his wife – she is not. You deserve to be treated with respect. Do you have a close friend or close family member you can discuss this with, and who would keep this confidential? Sometimes when you’re married to someone, you can begin to tolerate bad behaviour – this is what I did and it got me nowhere. I walked on eggshells and was constantly trying to keep the peace when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I wrote a piece earlier in this article – not sure if you have read it as yet. I don’t wish to start giving you advice on what you should do exactly but please don’t turn a blind eye to what is going on in the hope that this relationship will end with this woman. She is not being respectful to you either and I’m afraid that I would not have her in my home at all. You have the choice who steps through your door. This entire situation is making you unhappy. You do not deserve to feel like an outsider, Shirley. Please don’t leave your home. Your husband is the one who needs to change his behavior.

shirley

Dear Nicola,
Thank you so much for your reply…exactly what I needed…just to clear my head and convince myself that I do not need to accept this kind of behaviour from either of them. I have mentioned to my husband that I would like her out of our lives for good…now he wants to know why. But thank you so much for giving me the courage and strength to address this issue finally.

hema

This emotional cheating is so devastating, the very foundation of my marriage are broken all that’s left is anger, distrust and betrayal! And most of the time us victims never saw it coming! The thought of my husband describing me as a monster to another woman is sickening, especially when I thought my marriage was OK before I found her text. Living separate for a week now therapy next week!

shirley

After confronting my husband and asking him to treat me better, he has smashed 3 of his phones out of anger, his sister has told my coworkers that I am having an affair therefore finding fault in my husband over something so innocent. I am at my wits end as he does not see this as an issue…that I should get over it and return to normal i.e. allow his niece back in our lives and because I have said NO! His sister is now taking sides and spreading viscious rumours about me…I don’t know what to do…all I thought I was doing was asking my husband to yake the same amount of effort and energy he invested into the other relationship and invest it into ours. Am I being too unreasonable?

beckys

shirley, you are not being unreasonable.
You wrote a few very red big flags. But I still feel cheated on and am having a hard time trusting him again.
You lost trust, and this is key to your relationship.
If he is refusing to talk to you about YOUR NEEDS which re very important in a relationship, he might have already checked out of your relationship, emotionally.
Asking your husband to invest in your relationship is NORMAL, and the fact that he broke 3 phones??? I t a big red flag. He is choosing someone else over you!
In my books this would be a HUGE red flag. I’m sorry you are going through this. Make sure to think of your well being first.

Jan

My fiance started texting/calling another woman. He tells me they are just friends and why don’t I think men and women can be friends? I do think they can – I have several male friends…but I don’t call or text them several times a day! Then he tells me he needed to vent, that she is just easy to talk to, and she “gets” him. but there is nothing going on…just talking. I asked him to stop and according to the phone bill, he has. But I still feel cheated on and am having a hard time trusting him again. Anyone have any thoughts???

Esther

Hi,am finding myself in this kind of situation. After my husband cheated on me. Even after forgiving him am less attracted to him.please advice.

Cindy

I just phone call/text logs last week that they’ve been calling and texting for almost 2 years with a coworker. He said they’re just friends and are talking about work. Really?? Texting relentlessly on our vacations, during the time I was going through 3 surgeries, when my parents were sick, even on the day we buried my parents last month? I confronted him and he said it’s just friends and will not talk at all. He’s camped out in the basement. All call/text records ended after I confronted him. I moved out yesterday

Randy

Dear Cindy, I know how you feel but hope you have a better life ahead. My wife does the same to me. Be strong, move on and have a happier life. Some of us man are bad but not all. Hope you find somone that treasures you in future

Susy

A husband should treat you better than he treats anybody else period. When your husband treats anyone better than you it is at your expense and beyond inconsiderate. Is it an emotional affair or not is really almost irrelevant. The wrong has already begun!

Donna

A lot of you are asking for advice. I just ordered a book called “Not just Friends”, I’m thinking it might be a good read for several of you…. Can’t wait to get my copy.

BRIEANNA

This to to commenter Gary, thank you so much for your insightful advise! You are SO right! Very helpful and to the direct heart of the matter! Thank you

Randy

This is not a phenomenon that is attributed solely to the proliferations of social media. Globalization is also a contributing factors. Women working in MNCs may have a higher chance of commiting this. This is currently happening to me and my spouse (soon to be ex). Her hungarian colleague is starting to emphasize the common characters that they share and they starts having frequent business trips and 1 on 1 session together. For my case, my spouse refused to acknowledge her infidelity so it is good time for me to throw in the towel. For those who are still able to talk about this, do start talking early and nicely before it is too late.

amorita

I’m so confused..my husband moved out at the beginning of January, after about a week I found out that he was having an emotional affair…he told me he loved us both,what should i do now? please help

Sing

Hi
I got to now that my wife was having an emotional affair with some one else.
I got some objectionable pics been shared between them 06 months back.
She says she did this with a mistaken identity as she did not find me close to discuss personal issues.
We have a 16 years of married life.
She also mentions that the person was out of country hence the scare of getting exposed was nil.
But I don’t believe this buy, still I gave her & my family a chance to make it once more try.
I still cant believe ; what ever I saw that day.
And how ever many a times I try to forget, something or other does happens to remind me of the incidence.
I feel very frustrated & disappointed on not getting to know what was happening behind me & I never got to know this all activity going on.
I am not able to forget the incidence & brings me back to the same issues on what are the chances of this not happening again with me.
I am scared & almost on the watch to know & find on the whereabouts of my wife.
And also very conscious on my self on being more approachable to issue.
But I am not very convinced on the my actions & as well as her intentions. I want to forget what ever has happened.
How do I forget what ever has happened has gone – by and would not happen again.
Am I true in this believe ? Can I trust some one again ? Can I read some one mind before hand this time ? Am I approachable now? Hope I would not be cheated this time ?
All these questions keeps coming into my mind & I have tend to become very lonely; generally sorrow most of the times . I have become silent in gatherings & family meets. I want some one to look after me & have more care from her ; where in she mentions I would try ?
Is this all to be tried or this comes within ourselves : if incase some ones loves from the heart.
I am totally confused
And do not know what to do & take this further.
Hope you understand this situation & see if you can advice me on this